I broke it.

I had something really really good. I had loyalty and respect and I broke it.

I have a subconscious that will try and demolish everything I have. She’s a sad little girl living inside of me that holds the emotions that I don’t like showing, talking about or dealing with. She holds those. When something is really good and growing, sometimes she’ll lash out and break it.

Can you blame her?

I put her through so much. The break ups, the pointless conversations with strangers. Bring up the love that we want to have with people that do not want to have it with us. The “thirst trapping”, online dating, trying to make new friends. Constantly having your heart on your sleeve and watching it break over and over again…

The pieces are all there but she doesn’t want to put them back together because she knows that it won’t be long until I go ahead and break it again.

The only person who has truly shattered me, is myself. Always. Sabotaging everything around me. I feel like a bomb some days- someone can say something sarcastic with no malicious intent and I will cut them down without thinking. That little girl inside of me would like to be treated with respect and be honored but then I come along and just want to be one of the boys.

I have this crush now. This crush that I’ve had for a while. My drunk call, my snapchat buddy… He thought he liked me, so he messaged me. Then the chase was on- for me. And I saw the truth… he has someone else. Not someone that he brags about or wants to be with all the time but he has someone.

I recently went over there because he offered up garage beers… I saw it all. I had to use the restroom and he sent me in the house. This house was flawless. Maybe I should preface that a little different-

This house was white with a beautiful porch. The front door stuck a little but when you walked in it was the perfect combination of rustic and bachelor pad like. There was a large sectional, a table behind the couch. Coffee tables, bars, giant gun safe. His room was right off the entry way past the stairs and I did walk in. There was a bathroom, a large closest and the bed was in the center of the room. It was very well maintained and clean.

In the kitchen, there are many heads. By heads I mean European mounts, full bear head in the window next to a beautiful elk. There is a bison that has a painting on the front of the skull- very nicely done. A lot of evidence of the incredible work that he does.

The restroom that I used was right when you walk in. There was bath and body works lotion, sensational if you must know and the stress reliever foam soap. You knew there was a woman in the house for sure. The bathroom was clean, there was a washer and dryer stacked on top of one another right in front of the toilet. It was really nice.

There is an upstairs but I didn’t venture up that way.

He works out of the garage straight ahead when you pull in. There’s bull skulls all over the place- only something that a girl like me would think is sexy as hell.

Inside that shed, there’s many chest freezers filled with death and bugs. Sometimes the smell it pretty overpowering but is it strange that when I met his dad, there was something about that smell that was comforting. When I then went to get my skull, that smell filled the shed… again, comforting.

He had a couple guys over when I got there so I sat down and listened… Not much else for me to do. We proceeded to give everyone crap and then his brother showed up with another guy and it was time to put the tin up in the other shed.

The other shed is going to hold a whole new project but it’s going to be something to talk about for sure. He is a hard worker. And that also is attractive.

I started this entire thing stating that I was destructive, so why him?

Maybe it’s the tribute to Jesus hanging, yes hanging, from his left ear? Or is it the chain wallet that hangs on his right side? The fancy jeans covered in dirt tucked into his Harley footwear? Is it the little facial hair that he keeps around his perfectly proportioned lips? Or is it the light eyes that stand out against that tanned skin? Could it be the half sleeve? Excessive amount of cut offs? The flat bill hat or the arrogant way he talks about him self and then looks up at your from under his brow with a smirk like “challenge me”?

He reeks of bad idea.

But I’ve never been a good decision maker…