When I start with a lot had changed… that isn’t even the half of it…

I’m different. I’m afraid. I’m quiet and I’m alone. Not for lack of trying. I continue to try. I continue to make things work. But for what.

I’m cursed and blessed with this ability to feel. Feel everything. Feel the past, feel the present and feel the future. I’ve also learned that I can turn it off. When I turn it off, it’s like turning off all emotion and just being there in the moment and not having any memories of what happened.

They say that you need to feel to remember. Certain memories are sparked by emotions. Well I messed up big time and decided I was going to mirror my partners emotions… or lack there of and now I don’t remember much of anything.

My ability to feel is sparked by what’s going to happen next. When I look ahead 5 years, like we are taught, I don’t see anything being different. I’m terrified of the stagnant presence of today being the rest of my life. What if this is what my life looks like now and forever. What if I signed up for something that I truly do not want?

I always said I wouldn’t end up like my mother and here I am, with a man exactly like my father. Emotionless and steady. I love it in the sense that when I’m unreasonable and “crazy” he stays the same and doesn’t react but at the same time, I miss the fight. I miss the bickering and the making up. I miss the misery you could say… thanks Halestorm…

I’m consistently feeling like something is missing in my life. Like there’s something I’m not doing or that I should be doing… Like I’m made for more.

Am I really? Or am I just subconsciously feeling the words that have been spoken my entire life?

Does everyone feel this way? Like there’s more to life than working and collecting a check so you can do another meaningless event?

Nothing feels real. It all takes effort. Shouldn’t something be effortless?

Emotions are tough to deal with, but having a conversation with your brain that makes you question your entire existence… that’s another fight.

Have I made a terrible mistake by choosing someone who doesn’t seek what I do? Have I put us both in harms way as the inevitable approaches? We are both going to be hurt… and it’s all my fault. I should have never turned off my emotions…