There’s something that happened… self realization.

Tantrums, outbursts, impulsive behavior. Understanding the last 29 years of life. Not only understanding but now trying to improve it. Taking someone from a pedestal of perfection and tearing them down to less than a peasant.

Removing people because they didn’t do what I wanted. And when told “no”, pouting about it for an uncomfortable amount of time. Rejection that sends a dagger into the heart. Shutting down all sense of reality.

Where I once used to walk away, I am now left to sit with the choice, understand it and chose to keep going.

The thoughts have never been so dark, the will to keep going has never been so weak. Learning about me has been by far the most terrifying thing I have ever done. I don’t even like me… how can anyone else? At least that’s what it feels like…

Alone. A word that I have felt over and over and over as I would cry myself to sleep quietly… Something no one ever knew. Wake up and force that energetic personality that everyone has always been drawn to just to return home, alone, and feel every interaction as if I did something wrong. Like I was worthless. Not enough.

Bring it back to the moments where I felt abandoned… again, not enough for someone to take the time to ask me if I was alright… I was terrified of the question, “are you okay?”.

Years and years of talking about thing with who you thought knew how to help… setting boundaries was all I got. Turns out, I needed to learn more than that.

Thinking there’s only a right and wrong answer to everything and not allowing room for explanation, for a gray area.

Obsessive behavior fear of missing out and then losing someone… again, because you aren’t enough once they reject you.

Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD… I wish someone would have seen you sooner… I could almost be better… or maybe it wouldn’t have come this far.

The books to listen to, the workbooks to help understand… All I want to do is apologize to everyone… There’s finally a reason for what’s happened. It’s not anger issues, it’s not substance abuse… it’s just… me.

To understand and learn is to grow… I want to grow. I pray I never end up on the ground again. The cold basement floor, screaming, lashing out, begging for it all to end… pleading for the pain to stop. Just a moment of relief.

BPD… Holy shit.