I’m exhausted.

I hide it and I pretend that I’m ok and I want to help and I want to be happy and I want to be that girl that he fell in love with over and over, day in and day out but I can’t.

My heart is breaking. My soul is missing right now

I’m so torn between where I am, where I’m going, where I am expected to be and where I want to be. I just want to be quiet.

Quiet. I want to be still. I want to have a day where the world stops and I can feel everything like it was the first time. I want to cry. I just want to cry and not be asked why. Just let it all out without that fear in the back of my head that if he sees it, he’ll think I’m crazy, weak or emotional.

I’m not emotional. I have emotions, yes. Do they control my decision making? Not really. I’m impulsive but that’s a character trait.

I just want to feel still. And I want to break down. God, do I want to break down. I just want to let it all out. All this hurt that I’ve been holding on to that I do not want to talk about. All this frustration that I haven’t told a soul about and all this hate that I’ve been harboring for the person that I was and the friends that I let in that hurt me and all the crap that went along with it.

I just want to break down and have it be alright. I want it to be “ok” for me NOT to be ok for once.

I want to close and lock a door.

I want to sniffle and not be afraid of someone hearing it.

I want to cry. I want to let this out.

Who woke up one day and said that crying made you weak? Made you seem like you were less then? Whoever they are, I would like to have a word with them because they had no idea what it felt like to not have somewhere to go with all this emotion.

Between trying to be the best person I can be, maintain friendships and all, start my OWN thing… still be needed by him. I’m running myself in circles.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I stop trying so hard. He won’t see a “need” for me and he’ll let me go. That’s my fear.

I made my own snarky comment tonight, which I don’t like doing in the first place, but I said that I was cleaning what used to be primarily my room- and that someone won’t let me move upstairs. That’s not true. He has told me that I can do whatever I would like…

However, shall he no longer see that “need” for me… than what? I am entirely too old to be looking that stupid moving my stuff up and down the stairs multiple times…

I told myself that my “word” for 2022 was going to be fearless… We are almost 6 months in and all I’ve done is allowed myself to be controlled by it.

What I need right now is for someone to grab me, hold me, tell me everything is fine and then take me away. Just out in a field… anywhere. To just… breathe.

Truth is, I’m not ok.

She asked today if I was depressed or anxious. Those questions are sitting with me. As well as the entire interaction.

Trauma? Yeah. I put myself through trauma everyday with the toxic thoughts that go through my head.

Depression? I don’t know the last time where I have felt more happy than sad. I always have this… weight on my shoulder. This demon telling me that I suck. I really do. I’m a horrible friend. Selfish, mean, unfiltered, condecending… that’s a big one… offended a lot of men with that one.

He’s also telling me that I think I’m better than everyone else, and sometimes, I think that too.

He’s been yelling at me that I’m unattractive, that I don’t deserve to be held… most of all… I don’t deserve what I want. Those words will rattle in my head until I find a way to kill that memory with everything that I have along with “you’re better off dead than hurting other people”.

Truth is, I hate the question “how have you been?” I don’t know how to answer that without falling apart. I haven’t had anyone ask me “are you ok?” I might fall apart at that one.

I get the “what’s wrong?” or “what’s wrong now?” like it’s a burden for me to have feelings so it’s a little easier to just say “nothing”. I have nothing to say because I don’t know. But the think is, it’s not that I don’t know. I just don’t know where to begin.

This one time, this girl really liked a boy. But that’s what he was, a boy. Time went on and her poor brain couldn’t let him go. One thing lead to another and boom. She was friend zoned and living in the basement. Fast forward through a few “she’ll figure it out” and “No, you can’t come with’s” feeling like that annoying little sister that’s trying to tag along with her big brother and he finally wanted her.

Then he didn’t.

“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea”.

The heartbreak she felt that night as she laid in the bed after just trying to tell him that she wasn’t going anywhere and she’ll always be his… was… harder than you could imagine. Living with a man who you just felt fireworks for. A kiss that took your breath away… all of a sudden you start thinking that’s his game. Kiss a girl like that, she’s yours. Then… leave her.

I struggle letting that go..

Then I was good enough again!

Then I wasn’t.

Then came the, “if we were together, you wouldn’t be living here.”

Again, that girl thought to herself, “what the actual fuck am I doing here?” Broken, yet again by the same man.

Pushed away, time and time again. She needed a hug. She needed to feel