So much and in so little time.
I don’t get this. I don’t understand it and in ways I don’t want to understand it.

There’s a side of me that is hidden, there’s a side that I don’t show unless it’s forced out.
This afternoon, it came out.

For years I’ve been the black sheep. My choices, my way of living, tattoos, ear stretching, all of it has been way more hurtful to my father than not showing up to a family funeral.
My siblings can walk all over my father, but why? What has happened in their past that allows them to do whatever they want with no punishment of any sort?

What if the farther away you live, then he makes sure that the moments that he spends with you are as pleasant as possible with no hostility at all. And because I’m right there, all the time. Whenever they call, whenever they need anything, I am the only one that can be there at the drop of a hat. Just because that’s what I feel I owe them.

“You have no respect”
This word respect is thrown around like a football at a picnic with my family, no sense of what the word actually means. It’s something that is earned. There are two people in my family that have expected it for as long as I’ve been alive. No matter who you are, if you shake their hand you now have been expected to do anything and everything to make them happy because of who they THINK they are to you now. You have now agreed to respect and give them your full attention for however long they need you.

That’s just it, when then NEED you. But when they don’t, just don’t expect a single thing from them. Nothing. They won’t answer your phone call, they won’t respond to your text and don’t you dare expect a phone call on your birthday.

There’s been a few hundred times where I have hoped and wished for a contract to be implemented that would allow you to disconnect all ties with a family member, but until that happens. I’m burdened with the emotional loss of a brother and sister. Never to enjoy a Sunday football game or even a quick trip to Target… They’ll always want something from you. Never a phone call for just a quick check in, never an email to send pictures of their kids, and never an idea of what’s hurting you so bad.

That bond that I long for will never happen. And why? Because I have no respect for two people who have no respect for me. I will not bow, I will not bend. Come at me and expect a red carpet entrance and you will be denied. I don’t hold grudges but I do know better than to expect something that will NEVER happen.